Life in the time of CoronaVirus

Back on March 6 Battleaxe used the headline ‘How Much Worse can it all get?’ Well, a fat lot I knew. Now look at us. The country is in so-called ‘Lock-down’.  Surprisingly enough, I feel quite cheerful, earnestly inspecting the contents of the freezer, bossing Philosopher about, doing the garden in the sun… while the nation is in a state of social and economic collapse. We are lucky enough to have some lovely walks, and as of now we can still go out – once a day, while keeping 2 metres away from others. This is supposed to be the most significant thing that has happened to us all in our lifetimes, so Battleaxe had better write about it…

For us two the practicalities are manageable. We have not yet had to join one of those horrible-looking supermarket scrums. The Co-op in Ore Village, and the greengrocer, are able to keep us going.  Our dear PM said we should be getting food delivered, but where does he order from, Fortnums? Yeah, probably. All normal supermarkets have either totally disabled their on-line shopping, or have no delivery slots available.  We have one Waitrose shop ordered, to arrive on Monday, but rumour has it they won’t deliver half of what we order.

However,  Philosopher has always been a great one for stocking up on certain categories of goods, and loo rolls have always been one of his favourite items. We had plenty before this malarky started, and we still have plenty… oops I shouldn’t say that, we’ll get burglars. Before Christmas I stocked up on tinned stuff just in case we had a no-deal Brexit – have still got all that. Then the freezer is always full of ancient stuff that needs eating up…

But of course, we can’t go out, or see anyone. I had a bit of a turn walking past the shared engagement calendar in the kitchen the other day – I thought I’d put my commitments on it, but then realised I hadn’t any. Nothing. Nada. That calendar is blank. Not even the hairdresser – what is going to happen to my red hair? I haven’t seen my own colour in years…

Our life is governed by strange words and phrases that never crossed our minds until a few weeks ago.

Let’s do a COVID Alphabet!

A is for…. Alarm and Anxiety. I do wake up in the night and wonder where this is all going, and when, if ever, life will get back to normal. I worry a bit about about Philosopher or me catching it, obviously, we are  in the ‘vulnerable’ age group. I guess people who suffer from anxiety and mental illness must be having a really, really bad time, particularly if they are on their own.

B – Brexit. Yes, it is still there, somewhere in the background. Ah, one is so nostalgic about those long lost leisured afternoons watching BBC Parliament with Bercow. Barnier, Lady Hale and the spider brooch…. Now, we just have horrible Brexity Businessmen sticking their oars in.  Think the vile Tim Martin from Wetherspoons, and the even viler Mike Ashley from Sports Direct, flailing about trying to defy the government and screw their workers.

C – Coronavirus and COVID, obviously.  The Cough… shrink away when you hear one… Contactless payments, which we are all supposed to do. China, where the thing started but now seems to be settling down a bit. Cruise ships. Imagine those poor sods drifting from port to port, unable to land… Meanwhile, Confirmed Cases go up and up, as do…

D – Daily death figures. The statistics for Italy are just terrible, and other places are catching up. Most deaths are still among the…

E – Elderly, that’s us.

F – Face masks. I tried wearing one to Ore this morning. Terribly hot and sweaty. Made me think I had Fever. Probably useless anyway.

G – Gatherings. We shouldn’t be having them. Not more than two not in the same family.  Gloves. Unless you wear disposable ones, they’d get contaminated all the time and you’d be constantly washing them. It is easier to wash or clean hands with…

H – Hand Sanitiser. Very scarce and desirable. We have quite a lot. Loads of half-used little bottles that I have kept in countless handbags… Also, Herd Immunity – a concept that the Government wishes had never been mentioned. Basically it means that if enough people catch something and become immune, the virus will die out. It should be used in connection with vaccination programmes. In this case, loads might catch it but far too many would inconveniently die…

I – Italy. See above. Philosopher has another philosopher friend who works at the university in Bergamo, at the centre of the Italian outbreak. So far him and his wife are OK.

J – Johnson. Oh, wicked, wicked schadenfreude… You didn’t ask for this, did you, you jolly joking funster you…! Until Monday night he made an absolute pigs ear of his nightly briefings – mumbling, bumbling etc.  No wonder much of the population didn’t take a blind bit of notice. But on Monday his style changed, he sat quietly, used an autocue, told us what to do in a straightforward manner.  He must have absolutely hated it…

K – Korea. Another early hotspot but spread halted by vigorous testing and lockdown procedures.

L – LockDown. That’s us. Most people seem to be compliant but a few fuckwits are still in denial.  There are amazing pictures on the internet of deserted London. Presumably any poople who are left are rammed into the over-crowded Tube trains.

M – men Why men? They are more likely to get seriously ill with the virus.

N – NHS. We are supposed to be protecting it from imminent overload. Staff are busting their backsides to keep the services going. Shortages of beds, staff, ventilators, equipment. They are opening the new Nightingale Hospital in what was the Excel Centre in London.

O – On-line everything. Communications are huge right now. On my devices I have Facetime, WhatsApp, Skype, Houseparty and Zoom. Have used all in what feels like the last few minutes except, so far, Zoom. Just yacking with old friends from Brum on Houseparty, got several WhatsApp groups to mind… grrr- am so busy! .  We are allowed one session of Outside Exercise per day. Today Philosopher and I walked across to the West Hill. Beautiful.

On-line food ordering from Supermarkets. Pah, forget it because of:

P – Panic Buying. See S below.  Daily Prime Minister’s Press Briefing,  see J above. He is usually flanked by two underlings. He has been put into the shade by Chancellor Rishi Sunak, see below.  Yes, folks it’s a Pandemic.  Finally, PPE. No, not the posh nobs Oxbridge degree Politics. Philosophy and Economics, but Personal Protective Equipment, which NHS staff don’t have nearly enough of.

Q – Quarantine was quite popular early on, particularly for people coming off cruise ships – see above. However, apparently flights from Italy etc are still allowed to land here. Why?  The Queen has retreated to somewhere or other. Look, I know she’s 93 but I think an address to the nation might be called for. One also learns that Prince Charles has tested positive. All we need right now is the Queen to catch it and die. What would happen about a funeral??

R – Rishi Sunak, the ridiculously young Chancellor of the Exchequer. Recently described on Facebook as ‘three six year olds sat on each other’s shoulders in a Savile Row suit’, but neverthess, a more credible public speaker than Johnson.  He has announced wildly expensive Rescue Packages that will knacker up the economy for years to come but still won’t be enough. Nothing, as yet, for the self-employed though.

S – Stay Safe! Stay home! Strange times, with Social Distancing, Self Isolating, Shielding, Shelf-stripping Super-Spreaders in Supermarkets leading to Shortages of…

T – Toilet rolls.  Nobody quite knows why the masses are in such a frenzy about toilet rolls. It has been going on for weeks now. Here is Battleaxe pretending to go panic-buying in Waitrose in Tenterden back on 6 March – seems like an eternity ago…

Also Testing. Our country seems to be doing hardly any of it, meaning that we don’t actually know who has the virus and who hasn’t. The only people who get tested are those who are hospitalised, NHS staff and of course the rich and fortunate eg MPs and Prince Charles.

U – Underlying health issues that make you more likely to die. It is all totally Unprecedented due to this…

V – Virus that threatens all of us, but mostly the Vulnerable. About 1.5 million of the most vulnerable have been told they must be Shielded, which basically means they can’t go out at all for 12 weeks.

W – Wuhan in China where it started. Something nasty in the livestock market – see below. Whitty, Professor Christopher. UK Chief Medical Officer. Comes out to try and give Johnson some credibility.  Wash your hands for twenty seconds.

X – The Excel Centre.  Now a huge hospital – see above.

Y – You. As in ‘See you On the Other Side’. Bit strained but it’ll do.

Z – Zoonotic. Now, here’s a new word. It is somethng that crosses from animals to people. This is a zoonotic virus. It passed from an animal to humans probably in the livestock market in Wuhan. They sell things like bats and civet cats… Why? Then the virus mutated to pass from human to human. This is why we have no resistance to it – it is an animal virus. There have been others. Swine flu came from American pigs and bird flu, obviously, from birds.