Message from Johnson to Putin via Hastings Battleaxe…

Well, many of you say you like Battleaxe’s political ranty posts better than anything else, so here’s a dodgy-looking leek I found at the bottom of the vegetable tray. Eat your heart out, Dom… Oh, and the first in a Battleaxe mini-series, ‘Tory types’…

 

Classified….                                   25 January 2022

From the Prime Minister to the President of Russia.

Hi Vlad,

How’s tricks? Looks jolly snowy over there! Hope you are getting in a bit of topless snow-boarding. Wish I could join you!

Tbh Vlad old chap, I’m in the most awful bind here. Any chance of you invading Ukraine pdq? Frightfully useful if you could.

Thing is, I really need to distract our proles. The party nonsense just keeps dragging on, and would you believe I’ve just been told the effing cops are on to it now. Obvs, you and I know there was no way I’d ever have followed the pathetic ‘rules’ that fool Whitty and his medico chums made me force-feed the masses, and I can’t pull the ‘waiting for Sue Gray’ line much longer.  Then, I’ve got some woman’s Muslimness to deal with, Covid cases are on the rise again, and despite my efforts to hush it up, those lorry queues at Dover are getting longer. Final straw –  appaz yesterday some old codger who says he was one of my ministers (as if!) resigned over the Covid funny money business. God knows what’s going on, but Carrie says nothing short of a war will shut them all up. Bloody woman’s right as usual.

So, anything I can do to help you get your troops moving? Obvs we’ll make lots of noise but won’t send anyone to Ukraine to get in your way. As a little reward I could fix it for you to get hold of a few more bits of London? Or look, I sent you that Liz Truss – you know, the blonde. She may be a bit older than you’d ideally like, but she does scrub up well. If you don’t like her I can easily get you another one?

Do let me know asap what you plan to do – even a small invasion would be massively helpful.

Best, Boris

Reply from the President of Russia to the Prime Minister:

кататься на сноуборде топлесс? со своими мужскими сиськами?
Я так не думаю. (Trans: ‘Topless snow-boarding? With your man-boobs? I don’t think so.’)

 

Battleaxe says chop that leek right up and put it in your pork-pie plot… Which brings me on to the first of the ‘Tory types’. There they are above, The Tory thugs. Just look at them. Sir Graham Brady, Chair of the 1922 Committee, and Mark Spencer, the Chief Whip. They may be grinning, but I wouldn’t buy a used car off either of them. Far too scary. They remind me of the blokes in a large (remaining nameless) Ford car dealership in Birmingham. Many years ago I went in there and said I wanted to test drive a Ford Puma. They laughed. ‘Test drive? For you, love, how about a little spin round the car park?’

Philosopher seems to have got stuck in a groove of talking like a Tory thug. Trouble is, he sounds more like a member of an organised crime gang in Line of Duty… ‘Are yer sayin’, dahlin’ that I’m not the nicest man in the Party? Well, say that agin’ to me face, and I’ll show yer how bleedin’ nice I am…’  And so on…

Next blog: Raving Tory nut-jobs.